I have no memories of this blur of nightmares

Apparently all I did was scream. I had love, my Mother did try. But when I try to find something sympathetic to say about her my Borderline Personality Scars burn too much and I cant find anything nice to say.

Myself and my Mother have been through hell and back, theres more to our story than just the beginning of my life. She comes into my life lots. Please don't hate her. I own this hate, she has her own demons, and if shes reading this blog it wouldn't surprise me if at some point she has something to say. I'm not writing this blog to destroy her, that's not what this is for. This blog is to get my "stuff" out. I have my malicious moments, but they usually come out in song, and even then I will blur pictures and use code names.

Back to my story, my mother struggled. My father was trying to bring in the money and my mother was barely an Adult herself. She was sick. I actually don't know what and I don't care anymore. She kept ringing my father asking for help. He ignored her and couldn't cope with her constant pleas for help. So she chose to run to him and left me. He isnt the one to hate either, he was trying to provide for the family.

So night after night I was left hungry cold and alone for 3 months to scream. I talk about some of this in my previous post. I must of had a blanket because as an adult now when i get upset the first thing I do is rub my fingers together to soothe myself. I must of done that as a coping mechanism when i was alone as a baby. When I was growing up I used to do with my adoptive mothers clothing.

She was young, unwell and in love. He was trying to play the Dad role. Maybe I'm to blame....maybe i shouldn't of been born. Sometimes when I'm in a bad space i scream this at people. Why didn't my mum close her legs? Why didn't she abort me? Why didn't she smother me with a pillow?? Because some days I'd rather she would done that then have gone through the journey I'm taking you through, on this roller coaster. But at least if I get it out it might actually help, because to be quite honest, I don't have a lifetime of therapy available to me, a book would be a mess, so lets just blog this for now and maybe in a few years time or even a few months things might be different.

Like i mentioned in a previous post in my blog I was uplifted at 6 weeks old. Both my parents didn't want me to be uplifted, but i was very thin, undernourished and obviously had been damaged by the nights of screaming to nobody coming to my cries.

Shan
xx