My world has been rocked

I'm really struggling this morning. 2017 was meant to be my year. I made this decision last year. It was a huge one for me. I entered this year with positivity in my heart, hope, etc. To be honest I'm too sore and numb to think of words right now to describe how I was feeling around my Birthday, October last year, but it was a good feeling.

Then yesterday in the hospital reality hit me. The possibility i have kidney disease. Part of this joyous illness that I have is that i over think things. To the point where my brain honestly feels like a giant Cake mixer. Ive told a few professionals this and they've nodded like they've understood, i honestly think they nod because they are trying to empathise, but truly they are feeling sorry for me.

I don't want pity. I just want this giant cake mixer to stop churning.

I don't mean to yell but this is my head space at the moment. My upper back is hurting, i cant come off the meds that I'm on instantly because that will affect my mental health, i cant come off these pills The Doctor gave me because they help my Borderline Personality, and i have to take the antibiotics i was given yesterday for my bladder infection. I can barely manage to eat breakfast.

My soul mate is flat-tack with work, i cant interrupt him. I feel like a inconvenience, but i keep going for my kids, him and myself. I rung our local free healthline today, they read all my notes, huge by the way go figure, and all i got was, find a friend, go to hospital. Woman...i dont have friends...well, i do, but dont you understand i feel like a inconvenience right now? Lets return back to this....

MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE THIS

This is stupid, all because in January i decided i wanted to do something about my mental health and approached the wrong Mental Health Organisation and the wrong Dr.

A song thats close to my heart

A huge bump in the ride

I ended up in our after hours hospital today. I woke up this morning with a a Bladder Infection. For those of you who don't understand what it is it basically means i had bacteria in my urine. I had thrush too. Ive had so many thrush attacks in the last 3 months I've lost count. Ive had them in my mouth and down "below".

Today i woke up and couldn't stop going to the toilet. I noticed the signs, as a woman we usually know if we have a UTI ( we even shorten it), well I do anyway. I increased my fluids heaps but still felt really yucky. My cat was stuck to my side, it was annoying, this is him today

I had my toddler running around so I added coconut water to my water but just couldn't stomach much food so nibbled on food and kept my baby going, he happily played with cars and ran around all day destroying my house as usual. Must just do this mum thing instinctively like all parents. high five to all parents for the hardest job ever!

Fast forward cause you don't need the details...my soul mate comes home from work and i had consulted dear old Dr Google. 

• Nausea.
• Vomiting.
• Loss of appetite.
• Fatigue and weakness.
• Sleep problems.
• Changes in how much you urinate.
• Decreased mental sharpness.
• Muscle twitches and cramps.

So I'm home from after hours now. It wasn't a easy time. The wait in itself was rough. There was 2 toddlers there. Both of them were sick , i felt so sorry for them, my empathy went overboard, which made me stress out which made the pain worse.

Finally got through to the Dr. 

Poked, prodded, swabbed with stuff etc. This Dr was called in because there wasn't enough Dr's on, so i did feel sorry for her, then she didn't actually realise how complex i am. She didn't realise how many meds I'm on.

Finally got my diagnosis...or what she thinks might be wrong

I may have Kidney Disease

I just thought i was sore, or that i was wearing the wrong bra or had the wrong posture...maybe i was wrong.

Shan

xxx

Song I'm listening to during writing this Blog

I have no memories of this blur of nightmares

Apparently all I did was scream. I had love, my Mother did try. But when I try to find something sympathetic to say about her my Borderline Personality Scars burn too much and I cant find anything nice to say.

Myself and my Mother have been through hell and back, theres more to our story than just the beginning of my life. She comes into my life lots. Please don't hate her. I own this hate, she has her own demons, and if shes reading this blog it wouldn't surprise me if at some point she has something to say. I'm not writing this blog to destroy her, that's not what this is for. This blog is to get my "stuff" out. I have my malicious moments, but they usually come out in song, and even then I will blur pictures and use code names.

Back to my story, my mother struggled. My father was trying to bring in the money and my mother was barely an Adult herself. She was sick. I actually don't know what and I don't care anymore. She kept ringing my father asking for help. He ignored her and couldn't cope with her constant pleas for help. So she chose to run to him and left me. He isnt the one to hate either, he was trying to provide for the family.

So night after night I was left hungry cold and alone for 3 months to scream. I talk about some of this in my previous post. I must of had a blanket because as an adult now when i get upset the first thing I do is rub my fingers together to soothe myself. I must of done that as a coping mechanism when i was alone as a baby. When I was growing up I used to do with my adoptive mothers clothing.

She was young, unwell and in love. He was trying to play the Dad role. Maybe I'm to blame....maybe i shouldn't of been born. Sometimes when I'm in a bad space i scream this at people. Why didn't my mum close her legs? Why didn't she abort me? Why didn't she smother me with a pillow?? Because some days I'd rather she would done that then have gone through the journey I'm taking you through, on this roller coaster. But at least if I get it out it might actually help, because to be quite honest, I don't have a lifetime of therapy available to me, a book would be a mess, so lets just blog this for now and maybe in a few years time or even a few months things might be different.

Like i mentioned in a previous post in my blog I was uplifted at 6 weeks old. Both my parents didn't want me to be uplifted, but i was very thin, undernourished and obviously had been damaged by the nights of screaming to nobody coming to my cries.

Shan
xx

My first Vlog for you

So I took a huge plunge today because my stomach is really sore.
I made my first Vlog. So hi. Nice to meet you all.

Shan

Xx

A post dedicated to someone important in my life

Ive just come out of hospital.

For once funnily enough its not about my mental health. It nearly ended up that way. All because my overdose, which I just spoke about in my last Blog post, has possibly caught up with me.

I went to see my GP yesterday and the whole thing started. But that blog post will be later, for now i need some sleep. At the moment all i want is to dedicate a song to someone.

I wont mention his name, I never mention names in my blog, especially people who mean the world to me. I would never drag them into my mess, that means i risk losing them or if my blog goes public they join my roller coaster too much and I worry that they end up too deep and drown with me. Never would i want them to not be able to get off this ride, like i mentioned at the beginning of this post, you are allowed to get on and off this rollercoster, Im the one who cant.

Now, this person to me, who is he. Doesn't matter. Hes someone who's been in my life since i was adopted. I have known him that long. Hes been my rock Ive run to when my adoptive parents couldn't cope with my Borderline Personality Moods. He loved me no matter what i threw at him

I'm stubborn, I'm hard to deal with. I can be manipulative, and i like to be in control of things because if i get things spiral out of control the little baby part of me freaks out and i feel alone and scared. 

Yesterday at the hospital described me perfectly. "Shes like a 5 year old, you need to treat her that way". 

Ouch, that hurt my feelings. Guess its kinda the truth though. Guess some nurses in the country don't know how to use this thing called whispering. 

Back to the important person I wanted to talk about because as usual I waffle. 

This Man is amazing. I used to know him as the man who loved motorbikes, cold milk chocolates at night and loved cats. 

But when it came to me he would drop anything to be there for me. He is now so doing so well at life, has his own demons but who doesn't. 💕

He supports me, hes there and loves me no matter what. Hes had his own issues with my adoptive family, I don't need to put them on here. That's not my business and i don't abuse his trust and i never will. But i don't have a word in the dictionary for him, that's how i feel towards him. He really is my angel.

Shan
xxxx

To my special person this is for you

A quick post as i struggle through the witching hour

I'm not well, my body is playing up. My liver is crashing and I feel like I'm battling it alone with just my soul mate and my kids in my life.

Yesterday i had a huge fight in hospital just to get some pain relief. It dragged me straight back to my suicide attempt. I guess maybe my liver cant handle all the medicine its getting thrown at it. Good lesson for all you guys reading my blog.

LOOK AFTER YOUR BODY YOU ONLY HAVE THE ONE TREAT IT WELL

This is the song I'm listening to after putting my kids to bed. I will put up a Blog post later, but I felt like I needed to get this out.

How I'm feeling right now

Shan
xxxx

My overdose in 2008

In October 2008 after my Girlfriend committed suicide I tried to to take my own life. I had a girl in my life at the time. For her own sake, cause to be quite honest i cant be bothered with her, I'm not going to call her anything but J.

I sent J out to lots of different Pharmacy's of the course of 2-3 days to get me lots of packs of Panadol. J was very supportive of this. I had just left J for the Girlfriend who committed suicide. I still to this don't understand J's mindset. J is still alive. Don't judge J's head, she has her own problems and her own demons. You'll hear more about her later, she features more in my story, and she'll get a lot of different names no doubt, at the moment she shall be known as J.

This is my Girlfriend...my angel. my reason why I couldn't live anymore

I managed to collect about 170 Panadol all up over the course of 3 days thanks to her.  Over the space of 10 minutes i took 70 with water and coffee while i clearly remember her sitting on the couch just watching me. She wanted me to join Toni. She saw the pain i was in and how much i wanted to join her.

70 pills into it and I took a break, my stomach couldn't handle it. So i decided i would see where that would take me. I kept disassociating. I drew on the mirror in lipstick, on my coffee table. My house was a mess.


J during this time kept taking me out to the garage. She would set up the garage with candles...she would play this song

J's suicide song

She could set up a chair, she would get the dressing gown cords ready she had tied up for me, she had done up for me and she try to psyche me up to jump off the chair. Something just couldn't get me to do it. I could never leave how Toni left.

I had a song i tried to use against her though, it was Tonis song, i even see her in the girl at the end

Leave me be

I got sicker, i ended up in hospital, they fixed me, i got growled at, mental health got involved, a little bit too much for my liking. I had to very quickly put on my Mask of Borderline Personality Disorder.

This all happened over 2 months obviously, so we're in October. I'm not going to go to dates, because its too close to my birthday and it makes me get all emotional, and to be honest, this post is hard enough as it is.

I'm over it, 2 vodka cruisers, 90 panadol, easy. 4 days later, my body gives in. I crawl from the lounge to the bedroom. I knew i was going to give up, it was the last place Toni and I had been before she had left me before she drove away from my house and committed suicide. Then suddenly i had  huge urge to vomit. I threw up a panadol lump the size of a tampon.

Obviously i survived this or i wouldn't be writing this. By sheer chance while i was vomiting my adoptive mother called from Switzerland. She had a "funny feeling".

My pulse in the ambulance was 140 bpm, i was rushed into ICU i was dying, my stool had turned to tar. All because my heart had broken.