My first post to the Dr......why are you doing this...

My first post to The Dr....I'm not sure if you started this, made me strong, or made me weak. You certainly opened my eyes that's for sure.
I cant talk about what you did. But i know one thing, you've turned my life upside down. My oldest has behavioural problems that have suddenly spiralled out of control. My youngest is clingy to the point where he freaks out every time myself or my soul mate leaves the room.

I'm not giving up making sure you take responsibility for what you have done. None of this is malicious. None of this is my Borderline Personality. You seem to think that writing all over my file that I am manipulative and controlling etc will help your case. Its not. The medication you've given me has cleared my head. It did exactly what you wanted it to do and now you don't like it.

All over Whangarei people back down from powerful Dr's just because they feel they have no voice. I'm never going to be one of those people. I'm sick of being one of those people. I'm daring to be that different person. Hey mister Dr you're a Bully. And i don't like Bullys. I'm not going to sit back and let you do this to me or anyone else anymore

I may not be able to go to media at the moment, but I'm not going to keep this bottled up. Its making me sick physically, its making me sick mentally and my family is bearly going. I have to literally get through day by day.

I hold on to the professionals who can cope, mental health after hours, the higher up Dr's at hospital, the crisis team (although sometimes i wonder if they are just waiting to section me and put me in a unit) good luck with that you guys...don't think so, too strong mentally for that.

I also have a amazing Gp, a acupuncturist who's the bomb and a soul mate and children who are the light of my life.

Message of the day

Stand up for yourself, if you think theres something wrong, don't give up, keep fighting, at the end of the day its your body, your choices, if someone isn't listening, keep fighting, they will listen eventually. Doesn't matter if they think you're crazy...you deep down are the only one who can fix yourself 

I'm not giving in  💔💔💔

Shan
xx

Our public health system in this country....

So the pain got to me today and for the second time in a week in ended up in the Ambulance. So sick of this. So sick of everyone treating me like a drug addict, thinking that i want attention, when thats the last thing i want. I honestly right now want to be left alone. But the pain was nuts, it felt like someone was trying to crush my insides, my rib cage, my shoulder blades, the whole abdomen area.

I sucked it up all day, my soul mate was working, my bubba was home, there wasnt a chance in hell i wanted to be like my birth mum. By the time i put my bub down for a nap i was over it all. The pain was ruling my brain, i was done. I waiting till my soul mate came home, the ambulance was rung and after being doped up on pain relief they took me down to the hospital.

The Ambulance guys were awesome once i got into the ambulance. Apart from being really wasted on the pain relief.

Different story of how nurses and staff treat you at Hospitals in this country....some are lovely...others...wow...no wonder theres complaints all over the place.

No wonder people give up...no wonder theres waiting queues and drs walking off the jobs and grumpy nurses etc.

I encountered so many wrong things in the system today. I had nurses assume i was a drug addict just wanting pain relief for the sake of it...i had someone take my blood and pull the turnique that hard that she pintched my skin....my favorite part she didnt even apoligise...everyone either tiptoed around me, was nasty or lovely. 

I had to be moved from the one of the main rooms, the first nurse wanted me to walk. All around me i i can hear is arguments between either Nurses and patients or ER drs and patients.

Is this really what its coming to in this country just because we have a public health system? We get free health care so we get treated like this? Thats not fair.

And I for one will be one of the ones that wont put up with it. But thankyou to the one registar who is currently doing something about it.

Nearly destroyed

My world has been rocked

I'm really struggling this morning. 2017 was meant to be my year. I made this decision last year. It was a huge one for me. I entered this year with positivity in my heart, hope, etc. To be honest I'm too sore and numb to think of words right now to describe how I was feeling around my Birthday, October last year, but it was a good feeling.

Then yesterday in the hospital reality hit me. The possibility i have kidney disease. Part of this joyous illness that I have is that i over think things. To the point where my brain honestly feels like a giant Cake mixer. Ive told a few professionals this and they've nodded like they've understood, i honestly think they nod because they are trying to empathise, but truly they are feeling sorry for me.

I don't want pity. I just want this giant cake mixer to stop churning.

I don't mean to yell but this is my head space at the moment. My upper back is hurting, i cant come off the meds that I'm on instantly because that will affect my mental health, i cant come off these pills The Doctor gave me because they help my Borderline Personality, and i have to take the antibiotics i was given yesterday for my bladder infection. I can barely manage to eat breakfast.

My soul mate is flat-tack with work, i cant interrupt him. I feel like a inconvenience, but i keep going for my kids, him and myself. I rung our local free healthline today, they read all my notes, huge by the way go figure, and all i got was, find a friend, go to hospital. Woman...i dont have friends...well, i do, but dont you understand i feel like a inconvenience right now? Lets return back to this....

MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE THIS

This is stupid, all because in January i decided i wanted to do something about my mental health and approached the wrong Mental Health Organisation and the wrong Dr.

A song thats close to my heart