Screaming on the inside.....

If this is what rock bottom feels like it sucks. All though rock bottom was my girlfriends suicide this actually worse. 

I never thought i would say something in my life would be worse, but it is. 

I'm sorry i haven't blogged lately. My relationship has ended and I've lost a lot. I'm trying to keep swimming... Kind of like Dory.... Away from my children, my soulmate (or once was)... Now he doesn't want to know.... It got too much for him after i was sexually assulted...i don't blame him... But can i blame myself? I try not to.

Your anniversary is coming up and i miss you....

Suicide sucks. I understand it.

If you ever go to that place I implore you please STOP & THINK

Think of the people you will leave behind. I know you're hurting, I know you feel empty, I know you feel alone and nobody cares.

Do yourself a favour and all the people you will leave behind and trust me there are people....watch this video

This is a powerful message 

It spoke to me, and Ive come from a past which has been a roller coaster of trauma and damage to myself for nearly 34 years.

I lost a girl who was my angel. She was truly my all. She hung herself and now I can never see her face again except in my dreams

Miss you Tink

Hope one day we see each other again, till then

xx
Shan



10 years 16/08/2008

My day of being on my own roller coaster and going too fast

Today I had to go to Work and Income today. For those of you who don't live in New Zealand, its like this place in America

Americas place of nightmares in my opinion

I'm not unemployed by choice. I would love to work. I would love something to focus on that isn't my head 24/7, 365 days a year. I wake up its there, i go to sleep its there. I try to do mindfulness, it works, but then it comes back.

I went into Work and Income today to get some help to pay for some bills. I had 3 ambulance bills, i had a childcare bill for my bub, I had a after hours Dr bill...why bore you guys with the details....

The lady there...she might as well have been sent from the freezer that morning. I mentioned I had mental health problems...that was it for her. I had bought my soul mate with me. I had all the forms, i had spoken to the right people to know how to behave in this place of governement policies a mile high.....

At this point i honestly don't know what to say that can describe how badly this meeting went.

She wouldn't listen to a thing myself or my soul mate said. Apparently in the offices we are not even allowed to raise our voices or we get evicted on the spot from the building by 2 security officers and trespassed for 2 years  from the Branch. I had informed myself about this before meeting so i didn't do that. When i told her that she smiled and quite loudly said "Yup!"

I got nowhere with that meeting, but I have certainly put in a complaint about her. Because one thing I'm learning from this horrible roller coaster of this year. If you get treated badlyby someone who thinks they are in power 

Speak out because nothing is going to change if you don't actually say anything about it


Don't be scared of them. They are just people who are in powerful positions. You just need to be willing to pick up the phone and be brave enough to say no I'm not going to accept being treated like dirt by this person.

If they don't listen, don't stop till they do. This is why this song today playing is called Focus on me. Its dedicated to all those who have kept quiet when they should of said something when treated unfairly by people in power. No matter where you live, what county...America...Africa...Spain...Europe...if you feel unfairly treated

SPEAK OUT BECAUSE ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE YOURSELF

💖💕

Shan
xx


My song for today

My first post to the Dr......why are you doing this...

My first post to The Dr....I'm not sure if you started this, made me strong, or made me weak. You certainly opened my eyes that's for sure.
I cant talk about what you did. But i know one thing, you've turned my life upside down. My oldest has behavioural problems that have suddenly spiralled out of control. My youngest is clingy to the point where he freaks out every time myself or my soul mate leaves the room.

I'm not giving up making sure you take responsibility for what you have done. None of this is malicious. None of this is my Borderline Personality. You seem to think that writing all over my file that I am manipulative and controlling etc will help your case. Its not. The medication you've given me has cleared my head. It did exactly what you wanted it to do and now you don't like it.

All over Whangarei people back down from powerful Dr's just because they feel they have no voice. I'm never going to be one of those people. I'm sick of being one of those people. I'm daring to be that different person. Hey mister Dr you're a Bully. And i don't like Bullys. I'm not going to sit back and let you do this to me or anyone else anymore

I may not be able to go to media at the moment, but I'm not going to keep this bottled up. Its making me sick physically, its making me sick mentally and my family is bearly going. I have to literally get through day by day.

I hold on to the professionals who can cope, mental health after hours, the higher up Dr's at hospital, the crisis team (although sometimes i wonder if they are just waiting to section me and put me in a unit) good luck with that you guys...don't think so, too strong mentally for that.

I also have a amazing Gp, a acupuncturist who's the bomb and a soul mate and children who are the light of my life.

Message of the day

Stand up for yourself, if you think theres something wrong, don't give up, keep fighting, at the end of the day its your body, your choices, if someone isn't listening, keep fighting, they will listen eventually. Doesn't matter if they think you're crazy...you deep down are the only one who can fix yourself 

I'm not giving in  💔💔💔

Shan
xx

Our public health system in this country....

So the pain got to me today and for the second time in a week in ended up in the Ambulance. So sick of this. So sick of everyone treating me like a drug addict, thinking that i want attention, when thats the last thing i want. I honestly right now want to be left alone. But the pain was nuts, it felt like someone was trying to crush my insides, my rib cage, my shoulder blades, the whole abdomen area.

I sucked it up all day, my soul mate was working, my bubba was home, there wasnt a chance in hell i wanted to be like my birth mum. By the time i put my bub down for a nap i was over it all. The pain was ruling my brain, i was done. I waiting till my soul mate came home, the ambulance was rung and after being doped up on pain relief they took me down to the hospital.

The Ambulance guys were awesome once i got into the ambulance. Apart from being really wasted on the pain relief.

Different story of how nurses and staff treat you at Hospitals in this country....some are lovely...others...wow...no wonder theres complaints all over the place.

No wonder people give up...no wonder theres waiting queues and drs walking off the jobs and grumpy nurses etc.

I encountered so many wrong things in the system today. I had nurses assume i was a drug addict just wanting pain relief for the sake of it...i had someone take my blood and pull the turnique that hard that she pintched my skin....my favorite part she didnt even apoligise...everyone either tiptoed around me, was nasty or lovely. 

I had to be moved from the one of the main rooms, the first nurse wanted me to walk. All around me i i can hear is arguments between either Nurses and patients or ER drs and patients.

Is this really what its coming to in this country just because we have a public health system? We get free health care so we get treated like this? Thats not fair.

And I for one will be one of the ones that wont put up with it. But thankyou to the one registar who is currently doing something about it.

Nearly destroyed

My world has been rocked

I'm really struggling this morning. 2017 was meant to be my year. I made this decision last year. It was a huge one for me. I entered this year with positivity in my heart, hope, etc. To be honest I'm too sore and numb to think of words right now to describe how I was feeling around my Birthday, October last year, but it was a good feeling.

Then yesterday in the hospital reality hit me. The possibility i have kidney disease. Part of this joyous illness that I have is that i over think things. To the point where my brain honestly feels like a giant Cake mixer. Ive told a few professionals this and they've nodded like they've understood, i honestly think they nod because they are trying to empathise, but truly they are feeling sorry for me.

I don't want pity. I just want this giant cake mixer to stop churning.

I don't mean to yell but this is my head space at the moment. My upper back is hurting, i cant come off the meds that I'm on instantly because that will affect my mental health, i cant come off these pills The Doctor gave me because they help my Borderline Personality, and i have to take the antibiotics i was given yesterday for my bladder infection. I can barely manage to eat breakfast.

My soul mate is flat-tack with work, i cant interrupt him. I feel like a inconvenience, but i keep going for my kids, him and myself. I rung our local free healthline today, they read all my notes, huge by the way go figure, and all i got was, find a friend, go to hospital. Woman...i dont have friends...well, i do, but dont you understand i feel like a inconvenience right now? Lets return back to this....

MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE THIS

This is stupid, all because in January i decided i wanted to do something about my mental health and approached the wrong Mental Health Organisation and the wrong Dr.

A song thats close to my heart

A huge bump in the ride

I ended up in our after hours hospital today. I woke up this morning with a a Bladder Infection. For those of you who don't understand what it is it basically means i had bacteria in my urine. I had thrush too. Ive had so many thrush attacks in the last 3 months I've lost count. Ive had them in my mouth and down "below".

Today i woke up and couldn't stop going to the toilet. I noticed the signs, as a woman we usually know if we have a UTI ( we even shorten it), well I do anyway. I increased my fluids heaps but still felt really yucky. My cat was stuck to my side, it was annoying, this is him today

I had my toddler running around so I added coconut water to my water but just couldn't stomach much food so nibbled on food and kept my baby going, he happily played with cars and ran around all day destroying my house as usual. Must just do this mum thing instinctively like all parents. high five to all parents for the hardest job ever!

Fast forward cause you don't need the details...my soul mate comes home from work and i had consulted dear old Dr Google. 

• Nausea.
• Vomiting.
• Loss of appetite.
• Fatigue and weakness.
• Sleep problems.
• Changes in how much you urinate.
• Decreased mental sharpness.
• Muscle twitches and cramps.

So I'm home from after hours now. It wasn't a easy time. The wait in itself was rough. There was 2 toddlers there. Both of them were sick , i felt so sorry for them, my empathy went overboard, which made me stress out which made the pain worse.

Finally got through to the Dr. 

Poked, prodded, swabbed with stuff etc. This Dr was called in because there wasn't enough Dr's on, so i did feel sorry for her, then she didn't actually realise how complex i am. She didn't realise how many meds I'm on.

Finally got my diagnosis...or what she thinks might be wrong

I may have Kidney Disease

I just thought i was sore, or that i was wearing the wrong bra or had the wrong posture...maybe i was wrong.

Shan

xxx

Song I'm listening to during writing this Blog

I have no memories of this blur of nightmares

Apparently all I did was scream. I had love, my Mother did try. But when I try to find something sympathetic to say about her my Borderline Personality Scars burn too much and I cant find anything nice to say.

Myself and my Mother have been through hell and back, theres more to our story than just the beginning of my life. She comes into my life lots. Please don't hate her. I own this hate, she has her own demons, and if shes reading this blog it wouldn't surprise me if at some point she has something to say. I'm not writing this blog to destroy her, that's not what this is for. This blog is to get my "stuff" out. I have my malicious moments, but they usually come out in song, and even then I will blur pictures and use code names.

Back to my story, my mother struggled. My father was trying to bring in the money and my mother was barely an Adult herself. She was sick. I actually don't know what and I don't care anymore. She kept ringing my father asking for help. He ignored her and couldn't cope with her constant pleas for help. So she chose to run to him and left me. He isnt the one to hate either, he was trying to provide for the family.

So night after night I was left hungry cold and alone for 3 months to scream. I talk about some of this in my previous post. I must of had a blanket because as an adult now when i get upset the first thing I do is rub my fingers together to soothe myself. I must of done that as a coping mechanism when i was alone as a baby. When I was growing up I used to do with my adoptive mothers clothing.

She was young, unwell and in love. He was trying to play the Dad role. Maybe I'm to blame....maybe i shouldn't of been born. Sometimes when I'm in a bad space i scream this at people. Why didn't my mum close her legs? Why didn't she abort me? Why didn't she smother me with a pillow?? Because some days I'd rather she would done that then have gone through the journey I'm taking you through, on this roller coaster. But at least if I get it out it might actually help, because to be quite honest, I don't have a lifetime of therapy available to me, a book would be a mess, so lets just blog this for now and maybe in a few years time or even a few months things might be different.

Like i mentioned in a previous post in my blog I was uplifted at 6 weeks old. Both my parents didn't want me to be uplifted, but i was very thin, undernourished and obviously had been damaged by the nights of screaming to nobody coming to my cries.

Shan
xx

My first Vlog for you

So I took a huge plunge today because my stomach is really sore.
I made my first Vlog. So hi. Nice to meet you all.

Shan

Xx

A post dedicated to someone important in my life

Ive just come out of hospital.

For once funnily enough its not about my mental health. It nearly ended up that way. All because my overdose, which I just spoke about in my last Blog post, has possibly caught up with me.

I went to see my GP yesterday and the whole thing started. But that blog post will be later, for now i need some sleep. At the moment all i want is to dedicate a song to someone.

I wont mention his name, I never mention names in my blog, especially people who mean the world to me. I would never drag them into my mess, that means i risk losing them or if my blog goes public they join my roller coaster too much and I worry that they end up too deep and drown with me. Never would i want them to not be able to get off this ride, like i mentioned at the beginning of this post, you are allowed to get on and off this rollercoster, Im the one who cant.

Now, this person to me, who is he. Doesn't matter. Hes someone who's been in my life since i was adopted. I have known him that long. Hes been my rock Ive run to when my adoptive parents couldn't cope with my Borderline Personality Moods. He loved me no matter what i threw at him

I'm stubborn, I'm hard to deal with. I can be manipulative, and i like to be in control of things because if i get things spiral out of control the little baby part of me freaks out and i feel alone and scared. 

Yesterday at the hospital described me perfectly. "Shes like a 5 year old, you need to treat her that way". 

Ouch, that hurt my feelings. Guess its kinda the truth though. Guess some nurses in the country don't know how to use this thing called whispering. 

Back to the important person I wanted to talk about because as usual I waffle. 

This Man is amazing. I used to know him as the man who loved motorbikes, cold milk chocolates at night and loved cats. 

But when it came to me he would drop anything to be there for me. He is now so doing so well at life, has his own demons but who doesn't. 💕

He supports me, hes there and loves me no matter what. Hes had his own issues with my adoptive family, I don't need to put them on here. That's not my business and i don't abuse his trust and i never will. But i don't have a word in the dictionary for him, that's how i feel towards him. He really is my angel.

Shan
xxxx

To my special person this is for you

A quick post as i struggle through the witching hour

I'm not well, my body is playing up. My liver is crashing and I feel like I'm battling it alone with just my soul mate and my kids in my life.

Yesterday i had a huge fight in hospital just to get some pain relief. It dragged me straight back to my suicide attempt. I guess maybe my liver cant handle all the medicine its getting thrown at it. Good lesson for all you guys reading my blog.

LOOK AFTER YOUR BODY YOU ONLY HAVE THE ONE TREAT IT WELL

This is the song I'm listening to after putting my kids to bed. I will put up a Blog post later, but I felt like I needed to get this out.

How I'm feeling right now

Shan
xxxx

My overdose in 2008

In October 2008 after my Girlfriend committed suicide I tried to to take my own life. I had a girl in my life at the time. For her own sake, cause to be quite honest i cant be bothered with her, I'm not going to call her anything but J.

I sent J out to lots of different Pharmacy's of the course of 2-3 days to get me lots of packs of Panadol. J was very supportive of this. I had just left J for the Girlfriend who committed suicide. I still to this don't understand J's mindset. J is still alive. Don't judge J's head, she has her own problems and her own demons. You'll hear more about her later, she features more in my story, and she'll get a lot of different names no doubt, at the moment she shall be known as J.

This is my Girlfriend...my angel. my reason why I couldn't live anymore

I managed to collect about 170 Panadol all up over the course of 3 days thanks to her.  Over the space of 10 minutes i took 70 with water and coffee while i clearly remember her sitting on the couch just watching me. She wanted me to join Toni. She saw the pain i was in and how much i wanted to join her.

70 pills into it and I took a break, my stomach couldn't handle it. So i decided i would see where that would take me. I kept disassociating. I drew on the mirror in lipstick, on my coffee table. My house was a mess.


J during this time kept taking me out to the garage. She would set up the garage with candles...she would play this song

J's suicide song

She could set up a chair, she would get the dressing gown cords ready she had tied up for me, she had done up for me and she try to psyche me up to jump off the chair. Something just couldn't get me to do it. I could never leave how Toni left.

I had a song i tried to use against her though, it was Tonis song, i even see her in the girl at the end

Leave me be

I got sicker, i ended up in hospital, they fixed me, i got growled at, mental health got involved, a little bit too much for my liking. I had to very quickly put on my Mask of Borderline Personality Disorder.

This all happened over 2 months obviously, so we're in October. I'm not going to go to dates, because its too close to my birthday and it makes me get all emotional, and to be honest, this post is hard enough as it is.

I'm over it, 2 vodka cruisers, 90 panadol, easy. 4 days later, my body gives in. I crawl from the lounge to the bedroom. I knew i was going to give up, it was the last place Toni and I had been before she had left me before she drove away from my house and committed suicide. Then suddenly i had  huge urge to vomit. I threw up a panadol lump the size of a tampon.

Obviously i survived this or i wouldn't be writing this. By sheer chance while i was vomiting my adoptive mother called from Switzerland. She had a "funny feeling".

My pulse in the ambulance was 140 bpm, i was rushed into ICU i was dying, my stool had turned to tar. All because my heart had broken.