My world has been rocked

I'm really struggling this morning. 2017 was meant to be my year. I made this decision last year. It was a huge one for me. I entered this year with positivity in my heart, hope, etc. To be honest I'm too sore and numb to think of words right now to describe how I was feeling around my Birthday, October last year, but it was a good feeling.

Then yesterday in the hospital reality hit me. The possibility i have kidney disease. Part of this joyous illness that I have is that i over think things. To the point where my brain honestly feels like a giant Cake mixer. Ive told a few professionals this and they've nodded like they've understood, i honestly think they nod because they are trying to empathise, but truly they are feeling sorry for me.

I don't want pity. I just want this giant cake mixer to stop churning.

I don't mean to yell but this is my head space at the moment. My upper back is hurting, i cant come off the meds that I'm on instantly because that will affect my mental health, i cant come off these pills The Doctor gave me because they help my Borderline Personality, and i have to take the antibiotics i was given yesterday for my bladder infection. I can barely manage to eat breakfast.

My soul mate is flat-tack with work, i cant interrupt him. I feel like a inconvenience, but i keep going for my kids, him and myself. I rung our local free healthline today, they read all my notes, huge by the way go figure, and all i got was, find a friend, go to hospital. Woman...i dont have friends...well, i do, but dont you understand i feel like a inconvenience right now? Lets return back to this....

MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE THIS

This is stupid, all because in January i decided i wanted to do something about my mental health and approached the wrong Mental Health Organisation and the wrong Dr.

A song thats close to my heart

A huge bump in the ride

I ended up in our after hours hospital today. I woke up this morning with a a Bladder Infection. For those of you who don't understand what it is it basically means i had bacteria in my urine. I had thrush too. Ive had so many thrush attacks in the last 3 months I've lost count. Ive had them in my mouth and down "below".

Today i woke up and couldn't stop going to the toilet. I noticed the signs, as a woman we usually know if we have a UTI ( we even shorten it), well I do anyway. I increased my fluids heaps but still felt really yucky. My cat was stuck to my side, it was annoying, this is him today

I had my toddler running around so I added coconut water to my water but just couldn't stomach much food so nibbled on food and kept my baby going, he happily played with cars and ran around all day destroying my house as usual. Must just do this mum thing instinctively like all parents. high five to all parents for the hardest job ever!

Fast forward cause you don't need the details...my soul mate comes home from work and i had consulted dear old Dr Google. 

• Nausea.
• Vomiting.
• Loss of appetite.
• Fatigue and weakness.
• Sleep problems.
• Changes in how much you urinate.
• Decreased mental sharpness.
• Muscle twitches and cramps.

So I'm home from after hours now. It wasn't a easy time. The wait in itself was rough. There was 2 toddlers there. Both of them were sick , i felt so sorry for them, my empathy went overboard, which made me stress out which made the pain worse.

Finally got through to the Dr. 

Poked, prodded, swabbed with stuff etc. This Dr was called in because there wasn't enough Dr's on, so i did feel sorry for her, then she didn't actually realise how complex i am. She didn't realise how many meds I'm on.

Finally got my diagnosis...or what she thinks might be wrong

I may have Kidney Disease

I just thought i was sore, or that i was wearing the wrong bra or had the wrong posture...maybe i was wrong.

Shan

xxx

Song I'm listening to during writing this Blog