Screaming on the inside.....

If this is what rock bottom feels like it sucks. All though rock bottom was my girlfriends suicide this actually worse. 

I never thought i would say something in my life would be worse, but it is. 

I'm sorry i haven't blogged lately. My relationship has ended and I've lost a lot. I'm trying to keep swimming... Kind of like Dory.... Away from my children, my soulmate (or once was)... Now he doesn't want to know.... It got too much for him after i was sexually assulted...i don't blame him... But can i blame myself? I try not to.

The stripped sock that caught her attention

Well back into it....after the last few days of crap being thrown at me I thought I'd distract myself and blog more about myself..gotta do something therapeutic and heal myself when Mental Health workers go on strike and walk off the job...more about that depending on how things go in my life but yup that's how fantastic the Government handle things in this country.

So I was 3 months old. I had been living with a foster Mother. I have no recollection of her. Apparently she was lovely. She still has contact with my adoptive mother....more about my adoptive mother later. But i try to keep this is my blog, i try not to put her in unless she needs to be.

My birth mother had signed me over. My birth father had fought the process the whole way, he didn't want to give me up, to the point he had hardly shown up to any of the meeting with social services apparently.

My birth mother had 3 families to "choose" from to adopt me out to

Like i was a damn puppy in a pet shop. Here come along to our pet store, pick and choose from our selection, here we have a cute bubby with ginger hair, this is her background, here with a have a cute bubby with black hair...and so on

Then there was me. I had my background history. This is me at 7 months old

There was my birth mother. New Zealand born....also adopted...huge background stuff...blablabla. Cant be bothered dragging her stuff up, she lives to close to me and i know one day she will get word of my blog if she hasn't already. Then theres my Birth Father. Irish born. Lost his parents at an early age. Has never had anything apparently. A bit like me. Ive never met him except when i was born obviously. I have photos and that's it. I dont know how i feel about him. Ive found him on Facebook but i go to contact him and freeze. The fear, the doubt, the pain. Nope, its too soon.

I will talk about them one day.

Back to when i was adopted. My adoptive parents decided I was "the one". Hilarious really. Silly they that didn't make that informed decision as now they say to me that deep down they regret it as when I hit puberty and got raped (more about that in another post) I developed problems and they didn't see it, or didn't want to.

So in they waltzed to pick me up from the social services offices or where-ever I was. I don't remember as you do when you're 3 months old. My adoptive mother says she saw a stripped sock first. That's what she fell in love with. 😒

The last thing she remember one of the social workers saying to her before she left is

This little girl is going to have issues when she grows up, she has huge trauma she got abandoned for too long and its scarred her.

What did my adoptive parents do? They wrapped me in bubble wrap from the world and did everything for me. Then when i got too hard at 10 stuck me away from everything, away from them in a boarding school where i got raped, then at 14 when i got asked to leave to sort my head because i got too sick and did bad things (more on that in a later post) I got put in a Psychiatric Ward in Switzerland for a year.

Yup been through it all and still going. I will never give up, because giving up has never been an option for me, since the very beginning.

Will post then next part I remember soon

Shan
xx

My voice within from the beginning

Im shaking in happiness

My first happy post

I just checked my followers listening to my favourite opera trying to calm down after a terrible day.

I was actually feeling paranoid, i wasn't sure who was following me and i see this person

Shannon Harris aka Shaaanxo....i have followed this woman from day 1. She is amazing. I have watched most of her youtube videos. I have watched her crash as the public criticised her. I watched her blossom her into the amazing woman she now is.

She is now the top makeup Guru in New Zealand and has shown all the haters the door. Plain girl from Palmy who went from a love of make up to what she is now. Absolutely amazing in my opinion. Ive never met her, unfortunately never had the time and shes so busy and has so many fans and haters (as you do). I cant begin to comprehend the chaos sometimes she goes through.

But shes stayed grounded, shes stayed with her partner Hamish and she has gorgeous dogs who she loves to bits and you can see that. Shes taught me all i know about make up and now i can go out and people think I'm a professional makeup artist when its all been her.

So thanks Shannon, you may only be reading my Blog, but to me its so much more.

Then i notice the others following and i get blown away some more

Zoella, Tyler Oakley, michelle phan, tanya burr....just wow...thankyou all of you...i honestly just dont what to say but thankyou for listening...im just me xx

My first post to the Dr......why are you doing this...

My first post to The Dr....I'm not sure if you started this, made me strong, or made me weak. You certainly opened my eyes that's for sure.
I cant talk about what you did. But i know one thing, you've turned my life upside down. My oldest has behavioural problems that have suddenly spiralled out of control. My youngest is clingy to the point where he freaks out every time myself or my soul mate leaves the room.

I'm not giving up making sure you take responsibility for what you have done. None of this is malicious. None of this is my Borderline Personality. You seem to think that writing all over my file that I am manipulative and controlling etc will help your case. Its not. The medication you've given me has cleared my head. It did exactly what you wanted it to do and now you don't like it.

All over Whangarei people back down from powerful Dr's just because they feel they have no voice. I'm never going to be one of those people. I'm sick of being one of those people. I'm daring to be that different person. Hey mister Dr you're a Bully. And i don't like Bullys. I'm not going to sit back and let you do this to me or anyone else anymore

I may not be able to go to media at the moment, but I'm not going to keep this bottled up. Its making me sick physically, its making me sick mentally and my family is bearly going. I have to literally get through day by day.

I hold on to the professionals who can cope, mental health after hours, the higher up Dr's at hospital, the crisis team (although sometimes i wonder if they are just waiting to section me and put me in a unit) good luck with that you guys...don't think so, too strong mentally for that.

I also have a amazing Gp, a acupuncturist who's the bomb and a soul mate and children who are the light of my life.

Message of the day

Stand up for yourself, if you think theres something wrong, don't give up, keep fighting, at the end of the day its your body, your choices, if someone isn't listening, keep fighting, they will listen eventually. Doesn't matter if they think you're crazy...you deep down are the only one who can fix yourself 

I'm not giving in  💔💔💔

Shan
xx

Our public health system in this country....

So the pain got to me today and for the second time in a week in ended up in the Ambulance. So sick of this. So sick of everyone treating me like a drug addict, thinking that i want attention, when thats the last thing i want. I honestly right now want to be left alone. But the pain was nuts, it felt like someone was trying to crush my insides, my rib cage, my shoulder blades, the whole abdomen area.

I sucked it up all day, my soul mate was working, my bubba was home, there wasnt a chance in hell i wanted to be like my birth mum. By the time i put my bub down for a nap i was over it all. The pain was ruling my brain, i was done. I waiting till my soul mate came home, the ambulance was rung and after being doped up on pain relief they took me down to the hospital.

The Ambulance guys were awesome once i got into the ambulance. Apart from being really wasted on the pain relief.

Different story of how nurses and staff treat you at Hospitals in this country....some are lovely...others...wow...no wonder theres complaints all over the place.

No wonder people give up...no wonder theres waiting queues and drs walking off the jobs and grumpy nurses etc.

I encountered so many wrong things in the system today. I had nurses assume i was a drug addict just wanting pain relief for the sake of it...i had someone take my blood and pull the turnique that hard that she pintched my skin....my favorite part she didnt even apoligise...everyone either tiptoed around me, was nasty or lovely. 

I had to be moved from the one of the main rooms, the first nurse wanted me to walk. All around me i i can hear is arguments between either Nurses and patients or ER drs and patients.

Is this really what its coming to in this country just because we have a public health system? We get free health care so we get treated like this? Thats not fair.

And I for one will be one of the ones that wont put up with it. But thankyou to the one registar who is currently doing something about it.

Nearly destroyed

My world has been rocked

I'm really struggling this morning. 2017 was meant to be my year. I made this decision last year. It was a huge one for me. I entered this year with positivity in my heart, hope, etc. To be honest I'm too sore and numb to think of words right now to describe how I was feeling around my Birthday, October last year, but it was a good feeling.

Then yesterday in the hospital reality hit me. The possibility i have kidney disease. Part of this joyous illness that I have is that i over think things. To the point where my brain honestly feels like a giant Cake mixer. Ive told a few professionals this and they've nodded like they've understood, i honestly think they nod because they are trying to empathise, but truly they are feeling sorry for me.

I don't want pity. I just want this giant cake mixer to stop churning.

I don't mean to yell but this is my head space at the moment. My upper back is hurting, i cant come off the meds that I'm on instantly because that will affect my mental health, i cant come off these pills The Doctor gave me because they help my Borderline Personality, and i have to take the antibiotics i was given yesterday for my bladder infection. I can barely manage to eat breakfast.

My soul mate is flat-tack with work, i cant interrupt him. I feel like a inconvenience, but i keep going for my kids, him and myself. I rung our local free healthline today, they read all my notes, huge by the way go figure, and all i got was, find a friend, go to hospital. Woman...i dont have friends...well, i do, but dont you understand i feel like a inconvenience right now? Lets return back to this....

MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE THIS

This is stupid, all because in January i decided i wanted to do something about my mental health and approached the wrong Mental Health Organisation and the wrong Dr.

A song thats close to my heart

A post dedicated to someone important in my life

Ive just come out of hospital.

For once funnily enough its not about my mental health. It nearly ended up that way. All because my overdose, which I just spoke about in my last Blog post, has possibly caught up with me.

I went to see my GP yesterday and the whole thing started. But that blog post will be later, for now i need some sleep. At the moment all i want is to dedicate a song to someone.

I wont mention his name, I never mention names in my blog, especially people who mean the world to me. I would never drag them into my mess, that means i risk losing them or if my blog goes public they join my roller coaster too much and I worry that they end up too deep and drown with me. Never would i want them to not be able to get off this ride, like i mentioned at the beginning of this post, you are allowed to get on and off this rollercoster, Im the one who cant.

Now, this person to me, who is he. Doesn't matter. Hes someone who's been in my life since i was adopted. I have known him that long. Hes been my rock Ive run to when my adoptive parents couldn't cope with my Borderline Personality Moods. He loved me no matter what i threw at him

I'm stubborn, I'm hard to deal with. I can be manipulative, and i like to be in control of things because if i get things spiral out of control the little baby part of me freaks out and i feel alone and scared. 

Yesterday at the hospital described me perfectly. "Shes like a 5 year old, you need to treat her that way". 

Ouch, that hurt my feelings. Guess its kinda the truth though. Guess some nurses in the country don't know how to use this thing called whispering. 

Back to the important person I wanted to talk about because as usual I waffle. 

This Man is amazing. I used to know him as the man who loved motorbikes, cold milk chocolates at night and loved cats. 

But when it came to me he would drop anything to be there for me. He is now so doing so well at life, has his own demons but who doesn't. 💕

He supports me, hes there and loves me no matter what. Hes had his own issues with my adoptive family, I don't need to put them on here. That's not my business and i don't abuse his trust and i never will. But i don't have a word in the dictionary for him, that's how i feel towards him. He really is my angel.

Shan
xxxx

To my special person this is for you